I wrote this months ago. And I wasn't ever going to publish it. But yesterday I was talking to our neighbor and she was telling me something about her daughter in law and well...this subject came up. And it brought back some memories...not that I will ever forget this. So here it is. This is in a way a memorial for my third baby who would have been due in about a month...and hopefully maybe encourage someone out there who has walked through this.
We found out at the beginning of the year that we were pregnant. We were surprised and very happy. It's hard after you find out you are
expecting not to get excited and think about those ten little fingers and ten
little toes. And think about baby
names and how you're going to reconfigure your home to accommodate a baby. It's hard not to think about your
little boys BOTH being big brothers.
You tell a few people but say, "it's still really early so don't
say anything" but you secretly want to tell the world because you're so
excited.
I went to see the doctor at 7 weeks. It was on January 24th. I was almost positive of my ovulation
dates. I also suspected something
wasn't quite right. I told the
doctor that this pregnancy felt different. I didn't have any morning sickness and I just didn't feel
pregnant yet. The doctor looked at
me and said, "well, when most women say what you just said 9 times out of
10 there instincts are right."
So he proceeded to prepare me to do an ultrasound. I sat there on the table alone waiting
for the doctor to come in to do the ultrasound. I kept telling myself it was all going to be okay. I still felt my instincts were probably
not accurate and I was overreacting.
I thought I would most likely see a little flicker of a baby on the
screen and know that all was okay.
The doctor and nurse came in to do the ultrasound. He couldn't find anything at
first. Then he saw the sac. Now I never know what the heck they are
looking at on the screen, but I did see the sac and I breathed a sigh of relief
when they found the sac. But the
doctor said he didn't see anything in it.
At 7 weeks they should see something. So he thought maybe my dates were off. I knew they weren't off. But I didn't know what else to do. He didn't want to say there was no
baby, but he didn't want to prolong anything for too long. So we scheduled another ultrasound in a
week to recheck everything. But I
knew. I knew there was no baby
growing in the sac. And a week
later when I went in to be rechecked...the sac was smaller. There would not be a baby.
Basically what we found out had happened was that the embryo
implanted but the baby did not develop.
By the time I went back for the second ultrasound I was beginning the
process of the miscarriage. I want
to say that it was all okay, it didn't bother me. But that was not the case. After the first ultrasound, I called Rich who was with the
boys and I told him. He was out with
the boys and I told him to take his time.
I went home from my appointment.
As I drove home tears were flowing. I told myself how much I hated myself. How I couldn't even produce a healthy
baby. I have no idea where that
all came from, I think I was just mad and started to blame myself. I walked in the door to an empty house
and I went to my bedroom, shut the door and crawled under a blanket. I wept.
After the second ultrasound, which confirmed that indeed I
was in the middle of a miscarriage I decided I had to just be strong and get
through it. After all, we were
leaving on vacation in a week and I didn't know how I was going to do a
miscarriage and go on vacation.
But I would. As I went to
the desk to checkout after the
second ultrasound the receptionist, who is a very sweet lady, handed me the
appointment information form to sign.
I never really read those things, but for some reason I glanced at
it. And I saw the diagnosis given
to be submitted to my insurance company.
It said, "Spontaneous Abortion." Maybe my face dropped, maybe she saw pain in my eyes, but
the receptionist noticed me looking at the form and said softly, "I can
take that if you don't want to take it with you." I smiled as strong as I could and said,
"yeah, I don't need to keep that."
I knew I had to get through going through this miscarriage
and I didn't even know how it was all going to happen and how bad it would
be. I didn't want to have a DNC, I
wanted it to be natural. I felt
especially after reading the words, "spontaneous abortion" that yes,
let's let this be "spontaneous." If the Lord is going to give me a child and then take the
child I do not want to interfere with His will and I don't want a doctor going
in and trying to remove it. I
don't know why I felt that way, but I just did.
I managed to get through a 3 week miscarriage. It was not pretty at times. I was in no real pain physically, it
was just kind of a nuisance and I was very exhausted through the entire
process.
About 2 or 3 weeks after the miscarriage was over, I allowed
myself to grieve. I think it took
that long because I had to compartmentalize the physical aspect of the
miscarriage and the emotional part.
I questioned so many things about the pregnancy. Was I ever really pregnant? Was there a real soul in me or was it
just an "embryo" that didn't have life in it. I know many people have differing
opinions on it. I didn't know what
to think. I wanted so badly to
believe it was a real life.
Because I was feeling real grief.
I missed the baby. I truly
missed the life that was in me. No
matter what I chose to believe, all that really mattered was that God knew. He knew all. And through my grief, He brought me into this place of peace
and clarity.
My healing came from accepting that the embryo that did not
grow, WAS a soul that was taken to heaven. I wrote a letter to my baby. My 3rd child that went straight to live with Jesus. Maybe I was being over-dramatic. I didn't want to be overly emotional
over the whole thing, after all, it's not like I saw the baby. It's not like I ever held the
baby. I didn't even have a name
for the baby or know if it was a boy or a girl. But I had loved this baby for a few weeks and I just felt
empty. In the letter I made sure
that my baby knew that my sadness over losing him or her was not because I just
wanted another baby...but my grief was because I wanted him or her so much...not
just another baby. I wanted to
know that baby. And it made me sad
that I wouldn't have that chance on earth. And understanding and realizing that fact in my heart, gave
me peace and clarity to move on.
Rich and I talked about having a baby after the
miscarriage. We talked about
trying again for another baby. And
every time I turned around, I heard someone else was pregnant. Seriously, more people were expecting
babies about the time I was planning on announcing our pregnancy. And I kept seeing and hearing about
babies being born from friends of mine. But as Rich and I talked, it did not seem right for our family to
add a 3rd baby, just because we had miscarried this one. We knew the stressors we felt when
finding out we were expecting a 3rd baby.
We knew that health wise for me it may not be the best thing, even
though I would have happily walked through it. We knew the financial stress. But making that decision not
to "try" again was hard for me, but I knew it was the right
decision. And God has given me a
lot of peace from the decision but at times I still wrestle with it.
There is a bigger picture to all of this. I don't believe we
walk through anything in life without reason. I may not know the reason I even had a glimpse of having a
3rd baby, and not have it come to fruitition. I don't know why the obvious choice of just trying again for
another baby, didn't set well with Rich or I. I may never have all the answers. But I do know that God's plans are greater than my own. And being a mom has always felt to me
to be the ultimate...but...but...the ultimate in MY plans. There are other plans out there for
me. And of course I am a mom. I have two gorgeous boys, who in all
reality are both walking miracles given my medical history. And my two boys keep me on my
toes.
After this decision of not "trying" to have a baby
after the miscarriage I kept on having nagging feelings of discontentment. And they were not from God. I was (and still am at times) tested by
what I know to be true and what outside influences put in my mind. I think about the Duggars and their 19
Kids and how they just have trusted the Lord to give them as many children as
he choses. And aas much as I
respect the Duggars and love their show and admire their beliefs. I think that the kind of birth control
system they have is not in the Lord's plan for everyone. Let's face it...God can use a mommy of
19 children but he also can use a mommy of two children. And the logistics of using a mommy of
two children is a lot less complicated.
Not that anything is too difficult for God. But when I thought about how God was going to use my
life...it all seemed clear to me that he could use me a lot better, if I ended
the chapter in my life of birthing babies. We still would consider adoption. But the Lord needs to open more doors
for that.
In closing on this post, I am so grateful that I had a
glimpse of having a third child.
And I pray that someday when I get to heaven, I may have the delight to
embrace that child of mine that the Lord chose to take from us here on
earth. But I am grateful. So very grateful to the Lord for
bringing me through the whole ordeal with a much sunnier outlook on heaven and
life beyond the world we live in.
"He gives and takes away, he gives and takes away, but
my heart will choose to say,
Lord Blessed Be Your Name."
